Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Touch of Grey

I've been at it for almost two months now, and this morning, I finally had an opportunity to revisit the thing that my husband declares to be, "the most important thing for you to learn to like!" And that would be the Worst Black Tea in the World.... Earl Grey. To review, I become a monster when my tea tank is running on empty. And if this happens when I am away from home, I often find myself in a situation that the restaurant in which I am dining will only have one kind of black tea, and it will be Earl Grey. Historically, I have rejected the Earl Grey, and then, became a monster for my husband to deal with. So, I think you can understand why he believes that it is crucial for me to Embrace the Earl.

In my normal life, I am never too far away from my own kitchen, which is well stocked with at least 20 varieties of black tea at any given moment. I drink my nice tea at home, and I keep the monster at bay. However, today, I was not allowed into my own kitchen, as my house is covered with a circus tent and full of poisonous smoke! I spent last night in a hotel with an angry cat who did, in fact, spend much of the night marching all over my body, moaning and protesting the situation. Needless to say, I REALLY needed my cup of tea this morning!!!

I hope that what I am about to say will not offend any of my readers, but I speak my truth. As someone who has always been a bit outside of the mainstream AND as someone who became an adult in the 90's, I posses some attitudes that do not change with time. And one of my core beliefs is that One Should Not Go To Starbucks.... and, in fact, anyone who does frequent Starbucks is a douchebag. Until last year, I had only set foot in a Starbucks once in my life.... about 12 years ago, when I found myself in Walla Walla, Washington and I had a serious Tea Emergency. And I'm not kidding that I spent a good decade feeling guilty about that cup of Starbucks tea!

About this time last year, I was kicked out of my house, while my landlord did renovations. I had to spend 11 nights in the very same hotel, with the very same angry cat. I had it all planned that I would grab my morning cups of tea at the coffee kiosk inside of the Pavillions, which is the closest and most convenient place to fill my tea tank. And my heart sank when I entered the Pavillions and discovered that the kiosk was now a Starbucks Kiosk. I tried to rationalize that, at least I wasn't technically in a Starbucks, but my heart knew that I was still giving them my money, and it caused a real crisis of conscience! But desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose!

This morning, I found myself standing in line with the other douchebags at the Starbucks kiosk. And I decided that if I was going to sell my soul to Starbucks, the very least I could do was to simultaneously try and advance my cause. So I ordered, "The Biggest Earl Grey Tea You Have".... because I am not about to play their stupid size game and order by their Veni, Vidi, Vici sizes, or whatever it is that they expect you to say. And as I left, carrying my gigantic cup, emblazoned with that telltale green mermaid, I felt as if I had a Scarlet D across my chest. My only hope is that getting two cups of tea at a Starbucks Kiosk is the douchebaggiest thing I do all year!

So..... how was the Earl, you may ask? Once again, Earl Ass. Ruining some perfectly good black tea with that awful bergamot is a true tragedy. But I shouldn't be surprised. After all, the British gave us both Monty Python and Radiohead. Clearly, they have questionable taste!!!

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